Beneath The Flowers

So I'm sitting at my desk in the training room, it's Monday morning, and I am trying in vain to listen to an impeccably dressed executive tell me about a Myers-Briggs assessment... But my mind keeps wandering to some new, ridiculously doting daydream about visiting Chicago...

Yes, I don't think I mentioned it, but I plan on visiting the Chi in October.

"Why," you ask?

Destiny.
Fate.
Free Will.
Some hodge-podge of the three.

I'm trying to figure out if my life is gonna change. Even just a fraction. It's one of those "are you living, or existing?" moments.

Shall I divulge?? I don't know... These cards, I'm playing close to the chest. Don't be offended my favorite Bust-It-Babies... but this is so unduly precious. Remember "He's Just Not That Into You"? Well, he might be. In to me, I mean.

And there is something about potential romance that turns a girl into a doe-eyed idiot. It's human nature to seek a mate--it's our animal instinct, right? So is it completely unreasonable to start picking petals off of flowers "he loves me he loves me not" and imagining being at that stage where you leave an extra toothbrush in his medicine cabinet and he sends you tulips on wednesdays because he knows you love them more than roses and you hate wednesdays more than mondays...? It's no crime then, to be thinking about the way he holds your face and rubs that spot right under your cheekbone when he kisses you, right?

And you ask yourself, what do you even want? Nothing really. Just a little romance. You wear a chastity ring around your finger because it's a meaningless symbol, and everyone needs meaningless symbols. Red string around the wrist, Jesus pieces, yellow rubber bracelets... what's the difference. It means everything and something and nothing all at once. I want to live instead of exist.

My stomach is in knots and butterflies all at the same time as my mind's eye runs through every possible worst case scenario. Will the thrill be gone when we see each other again? Was this just a once-in-a-lifetime connection related completely to circumstance and correlating only with time and place?? Is it one-sided now? And who's side is it on, mine or his? Will I be disappointed with the actual man because I've allowed him to become such a myth, a construct of my mind glorified to an undeserving pedestal? Will the flesh and blood reconcile with the fictional counterpart in my head?? So many questions...

Where's Miss Cleo when you need her?